Justin,
Congratulations! You’re a Wu! Welcome to the most elite club in the universe.
I haven’t gotten to know your mom all that well yet, but I have no doubt she’ll be fabulous. I know your dad, though. And mister, you are one of the three luckiest kids ever. He’s a little older now and slower, too, but he’ll still teach you how to swim and let you win all the races. And you know how other kids get random ass hotel giftshop junk when their parents go on business trips? Your old man will bring home fossils. Don’t get me started about how awesome you’ll feel at every Show and Tell.
Listen, future kegstand champion, as a Wu, you’re going to be a smartass and get into trouble. Don’t test your dad, he WILL punish you and make you do math problems or watch C-SPAN and write reports afterwards. It might be a little lonely growing up as an only child, but you’re lucky. You won’t have to deal with shit like Dennis breaking your toys or snitch when you skip first period to smoke behind the bike racks (still so upset about that). You’ve got it good, you’ll be spoiled rotten (READ: you’ll always get the window seat) and you’ve got the coolest older brother and sister to have your back. I can already smell your first 3am drunk tank pickup, and what a proud sister I’ll be.
I can’t wait to meet you.
Love,
The Best Big Sister Ever
P.S. Did you really have to share my birthday month? Seriously, you couldn’t wait 2 days? We’ll talk about this when you’re older.
13
